There’s always a way!🐥

I know it’s difficult to be alone, to be lonely. But self harm,suicide, drug addiction are not the only and the right options.

You want to kill yourself?

It’s 10:53 on a Sunday night. You’ve already said good night to your parents and your siblings. They think you are sound asleep. You sit at your desk twirling a pen in your hand. Staring at a blank piece of paper and the tears refill in your eyes for the fifth time tonight. You don’t want to do it without a goodbye letter. You want to make sure that your family knows why you did it. The tears fall onto the paper and you can’t control the frustration as the droplets ruin the sheet. You crumble it and break down even more. You realise you can’t write that letter, so you look in the mirror once more and watch as your final tears fall. Only a couple moments later your heart stops and the blood escapes your body to create a puddle on the floor.  But nobody is going to care, right?

It’s now 6:47 am Monday morning . Your mother waits downstairs in the kitchen to give you your lunch money. She is already late for work but she doesn’t want you to stress for lunch. She doesn’t know what’s taking you so long. She yells your name a couple times, but there’s no response. She has no idea that your cold dead body in lying in your bedroom. She thinks you slept in, so she runs up the stairs and knock on the door. But still there is no answer. She opens the door and screams, horrified. She runs to you and holds your body. The tears seem like a waterfall,everlasting. She sits there with you cradled in her arms for a good hour, until she has the strength to get up and call your father. Your father rushes home and they cry together. They pick up your siblings from the school and try to explain them what has happened. Your older brother runs out of your room and into his. He slams the door. He thinks it is his fault. He has always picked on you, called you names and started arguments just to push your buttons. He punches the walls and allows the tears to pour out. Your little sister doesn’t understand. She thinks it is all her fault for stealing all your stuff and winning arguments just because she was the little one. It’s hard to explain something like this to a six year old. But she probably wouldn’t care anyway, right?

It’s now Wednesday and your mom finally goes to your school. She hasn’t left house since you took your life, but she knew she had to go. She enters the classroom to only see your class teacher grading papers. It’s 12:15 and so your friends are out having lunch break. Your teacher greets your mom and asks about your absence. Your mother bursts into tears and your teacher automatically is astonished. She has no idea what’s wrong, but she tries to comfort your mother. Your mom begins to explain what had happened, and your teacher cries too. She begins to have flashbacks of the time she yelled at you for not paying attention and not doing the homework. She thinks it’s her fault for being hard on you. Your classmates return and are confused . A couple students recognise your mom and want to say hi, but they sense something is wrong. Your teacher calls the principal and the vice principal and your mom explains. Your best friend goes numb. Doesn’t respond to anything happening around her. Everyone in the class is now crying, even the annoying boy that sat behind you and threw gum in your hair is crying, thinking it’s his fault. Even the popular girl that wouldn’t give you the time of the day is crying, thinking it’s her fault. Even the nerd that wouldn’t let you copy his homework is crying, thinking it’s his fault. Their probably all faking, because nobody actually cares , right?

A week has gone by and it’s the time for your funeral. Almost every student and their families are there. Everyone goes up to speak. The funeral last long , nobody wants to get up, to move on and accept what has happened in real life. All of them are too lazy to get up, because the obviously don’t care , right? 

It’s now been a month since your death. None of your family members have been in your room. The door remains shut. Your mom goes up to your dad and whispers,” it’s time”. Your dad looks at her with lifeless eyes, nods and rises from the kitchen table. They enter your room slowly. Just stepping inside your room gives your mother the chills. Your father holds your mom. He is trying to be strong, but he can’t . Soon the tears swell up in his eyes as well. They begin to pick up your clothes, dust your shelf and make your bed. The stain on your carpet has been covered with a rug. Neither of them goes near it. They clean in silence for the next hour. They didn’t care that you’re gone, they just didn’t want a messy room, right? 

    Another week goes by. Your brother passes your room and hears crying from inside. He opens the door to see your little sister sitting on your bed clutching your favourite pillow. He runs to her. Soon your mother and your father have joined them. Your father jokes,” this bed isn’t big enough for four of us” and everyone laughs. You know , that’s the first time your family has laughed after you died. They hug each other and your mom says, “ we’ll get through this.....someday”. You thought nobody would care? Well, you were wrong.

    Nobody wanted you to take your life. Nobody wanted to wake up and find your body. Nobody wanted this,wished for this, could have imagined this. Some people knew you were down lately, but they never thought this would happen. They never thought they would go through this pain. They never wanted to have to face the agony, the guilt,the frustration,the depression and the heartache they have been forced to encounter.

     Now before you kill yourself, think about it. You matter so much to so many people. There are so many people who will miss you. Your smile, your laugh, the way your eyes lit up when you’re happy. Do you want to take that away from everyone? From yourself? Never get to smile again, or see the person that makes your heart skip a beat, never get to live? Don’t do that to yourself. You have so much to live for. If you haven’t already, do you really want to miss the opportunity  to meet your true friends? Have your first kiss? Fall head over heels in love? Get your heart broken time and again? Go to college? Get an A+ in that final you studied for days on end for? Get married? Have your own children? What would you do if you walked into your 17 years old daughter’s room and saw her lying there with no heart beat, and surrounded by a pool of blood? It would be no big deal right? You’d shrug and clean up the room with a smile on your face as you hum your favourite song that’s been in your head for the past couple days. No, you’d clutch her lifeless body in your arms and sob. Cry, and cry and cry. You’d think it was your fault and a million of thoughts would pass through your mind. Why would she do this? Why didn’t I stop her? Was it my fault? How couldn’t I have known. But she was thinking the same thing you were as a child. You know that nobody would care?

    Think twice. Take a deep breath. You’re worth more than this. Anything that you’re going through  is temporary; it won’t last forever. You’ll get through this.  No matter how long it takes. Open up, talk to someone. Just a small reminder, you’re not alone. Don’t ever write that letter. Life is full of commas and colons, do not use that full stop. You might not see the light at the end of the tunnel,but I promise it’s there. Just keep walking towards it! ✨